Its been over ten months and I know that I've improved, but I still struggle with PPA. The thoughts creep into my brain out of nowhere and trigger some sort of anxiety fueled psychosis for about a minute or so. A minute, you ask? Big whoop, right? Well, if a minute sounds like nothing, imagine standing on the roof of your house and leaning far forward while a stanger holds onto you just by the back of your shirt for a whole minute. A little bit of fear, terror, doubt, worry, stress and anxiety might be running thru your mind perhaps? Yes, I imagine that is slightly better than this minute of craziness in my brain. It happens much less frequently now, but I wish it would just stop altogether.
For example, The baby and I slept at my mother's house on Friday night so I could get some solid sleep. As I laid down in my room, I thought of the baby in my mom's room. What if she got smothered by rolling into the pillows? Or if my mom rolled over on her by accident. I had this horrible vision of my mother waking up and screaming, crying and shaking the baby. I had to stop my brain. Literally pulling the mental emergency brake. Its taken me this long to find that brake and figure out how to use it. sometimes I wonder if this immensely powerful love I feel for her is what fuels these thoughts. I still have yet to find out why this happens. People can help you identify it and try to help you cope, but no one can explain where it comes from and why. If we could answer that question, maybe none of us would have to go thru this altogether.
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